Mental Mommy

Reason #12154 why I hate Celiac Disease

I guess Celiac Disease is one of those things that we only have a basic understanding about.  When you couple it with breastfeeding, we know even less...  Great!

Yesterday was a super bad day.  I spent all of 2 hours at home.  The majority of the day was spent in a waiting room.  We finally got T-Rex tested for CD, but it took that long to do it.  Ridiculous.  I didn't appreciate the stares people kept giving us - you see that he's s toddler in a very non-child friendly waiting room.  You see that we've been sitting there longer than anyone.  Would you like to try to make him sit still and be quiet?  Bite me!

So anyway, that led to a gluten-day.  I have been dying for some gluten anyway, but with the stress, it just made me cave and I gave in.  I indulged.  A lot.  This morning I didn't feel too bad, so I decided to do it again.  I know it's dumb.  I know it starts an auto-immune response in my body that could not only make my stomach hurt, but give me a fever, chills, cold sweats, hot flashes, and never mind the damage it can do on a cellular level.  I get that.  I really do.  It's just that it's hard to care when I feel like my family would benefit from my insurance pay off if I were to kick the bucket.  Srsly...

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday T-Rex!!!

*Day 83: I am eternally grateful that this little boy decided to grace our lives.  There may be days that I would like to install a mute button on him, but I love the the music of his laughter and the way you can hear a smile in his voice.  There may be days when I want to tie his arms together so he doesn't touch anything or hit his brother again, but I adore his heartfelt hugs.  There may even be days when I wish he was still a new babe, but I enjoy seeing him change and grow every day.  I love you, baby boy!

Here we go...

• Now that the boys are home, I have very little time.
• I've been working a lot on things over here and hoping to not only increase our traffic, but actually give people someting worth reading once they make it over there.
• I'm totally ready for this little debutante to make her debut.  I feel huge and gross all the time, and where gaining weight may have been an issue before, it certainly isn't now!
• I swore I'd flip my damn lid if I got any new stretch marks and the way this child is going, I'll be committed by the time she does decide to come out.
• It's lovely having the boys home, but I am totally enjoying nap time...  I'd be enjoying it more if I could also indulge in a nap, but you know that Newton's Law or whatever it is that says, "As soon as Mommy falls asleep, it's time to wake up!"
• Mega kicked my butt in Wii bowling, but was a very gracious winner today.  He's such a treat to be around, even when he's grittin' on me for the time we've lost together the past few weeks.
• Oh yeah, he's pissed.  He's been all piss and vinegar towards me, but sweetness and light for DH.  I think he's starting to get over it, but I'm not quite ready to hold my breath on that one.
• I can't stop thinking about LRRH - she got laid off last Friday, and I really hope she finds something PRONTO because I know she has enough on her plate right now and it's stressing her out...
• I also can't stop thinking about an upcoming wedding in May.  Well, two, but I know I can't be at one.  I still have to find someone to watch the boys, and I'm pretty sure I've exhausted our options, short of asking some stranger.  Yipes!
• The wedding I can't go to - you should SEE the shoes I was supposed to be wearing the day of.  HOT!  Once my ankles aren't so chubby, I'll have to remember to post a picture.  I've always had pretty decent legs for a chubby girl, but with the recent burst of activity, they're a little puffy these days.
• I'm tired of being gluten-free.  I found some yummy graham crackers, but when DH and I tried to make s'mores last night, they totally fell apart and I had to make 3 mini s'mores for every one of DH's normal sized ones.  Indulgences aren't supposed to be that damn time consuming, I tell you!
• I haven't even gotten dressed today.
• T-Rex has seasonal allergies like me and he's miserable, and therefore, all over me.  He's been sitting in what little is left of my lap (while constantly digging his elbows into his sister's back trying to scoot back and make more room for his butt) more or less all day with the exception of lunch and nap time.
• It's nice and all, but I have 3 very angry looking spots where he kept diggin' his elbows in, and I tell you, my skin is sensitive enough as it tries to stretch even more to cover this chubby, stubborn little monkey.
• Pictures to come - we did an egg hunt yesterday in the backyard for the boys.  Good times!
• Out of time: I think T-Rex is awake after only 45 minutes of sleep.  Pray for us all!

*Day 64: I am grateful for an understanding chiropractor who doesn't charge me when I have to cancel my appointment at the last minute because my kids' noses won't stop running long enough for me to even pull a clean shirt over their heads.  Whew!

Superb!

     The ultrasound appointment went well today.  Kili is quite a chunky baby by the looks of her, and assuming the ultrasound tech and the midwife are right - both are placing her around 6 and a half pounds.  If that's true, I *really* hope she decides to make her debut this week.  I think I've mentioned that T-rex was HUGE compared to his brother and at 39 weeks' gestation, he was 6 pounds, 10 ounces.  He was a 2.5 hour struggle, compared to his brother's 45 minutes of hard work.  I'd rather not have anything larger than T-Rex even attempt to navigate this narrow pelvis, but I will trust Kili to know how big is too big...  Seriously, I will.  I will let go of my anxiety (HA!) and just sit back, relax, and trust...  *sigh* 

    Also, she is still a she (as evidenced by the above paragraph) and she has oodles of hair - so much that we could see it on the ultrasound.  Quite charming.  I was certain that after having two boys born with full heads of luscious blonde hair, my daughter would surely be born bald.  She has foiled us again, the little Diva in the Making.  :-)

     Not much progress on my end - 2 cm's instead of 1, and still 75% effaced.  I can live with that, but I wish to The Force she would either just chill out entirely and let me have a few days without contractions, or just commit and get real labor going.  I am sooo very tired.  I mean, both boys only caused 5 and 6 hours TOTAL of contractions.  She gives me at least 2 hours a day, and wakes me up several times per night, in addition to potty wakings!  Wednesday night, I had FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS of contractions that were 3-5 minutes apart!  I'm exhausted! 

So, beloved child...  PLEASE get out make up your mind...  NOW.

     On a totally kick ass note...  The boys are coming home tomorrow!  36 weeks was supposed to be the start of modified bed rest (meaning several hours per day I could engage in LIGHT activity that took place out of bed or off the couch) but after relaying my frustration to the midwife today, she gave me the go-ahead to go full throttle and see what happens!  So we're picking the boys up and walking around a gorgeous park tomorrow...  Unless, of course, Kili decides to commit to birth tonight or tomorrow morning...  Which would be FABULOUS...  But I digress.  I am sooo very excited about my babies coming home.  While I am sure it will add to my physical exhaustion, my stress, anxiety, and overall tension level will drop off and that's totally worth it.  Again, it's not that I think they're in a bad place, but they need their routine and their home and (hopefully, still) their Mommy and Daddy and we need them.  As lovely as the break has been, I am out of sorts without my children around and we've missed them terribly.  I cannot wait to hug them and tell them how much I've missed them!

     So yeah for a day full of good news!  Woot woot!

*Day 62: I am so grateful for all the love, help, and support we've recieved while trying to give our daughter more time to develop.

Unnatural

It's completely unnatural for me to be away from my children.  I can't stand it.  It was hard enough, but now T-Rex is apparently having trouble with it, too.  I got an E-mail from my mom this morning and it just made me weep for my baby...

Okay, something has to change. The current arrangement appears to be too stressful for T-Rex. I expected Monday to be rough, but it's still rough. He started hitting me yesterday and telling me he didn't want to be here. He did the same thing with (the babysitter) Monday and today. Obviously, he is being well taken care of here, so that's not the problem. I think it's just too much change for him. He can't get adjusted. He's not sick. He's not overstimulated. He has stuff to do. He's sleeping and eating well. He's just being very defiant, crying a lot, and being just unhappy.

 

I miss them, and I can deal with that.  The first week, they seemed perfectly fine, content to spend time with their Mammy and not think twice about Mommy and Daddy, with a few exceptions.  I can't bear the idea that he's just that miserable because I'm not there for him.  When he was home this weekend, we probably spent maybe 30 waking minutes not touching each other.  There's nothing Oedipal about it, he's just very tactile and physically affectionate.  As much as it normally over-stimulates me, it was a welcome change from being home all week without him and his brother.  Even Mega Man was very generous with his affection and touch, and he's typically very hands-off!  When they left to go back, Mega seemed fine.  He was excited about it!  T-Rex, on the other hand, started crying, "Get in the car, Mommy!  Don't leave, Daddy!" as DH started to back out of the driveway...  It broke my heart, but I figured once they got there, he'd be okay...

 

For now, the tentative plan is for US to drive out there and spend weekends out there, rather than bringing them home.  For one, it's less travel for the boys.  It's about 2.5 to 3 hours one way, so 5 to 6 hours in the car Friday night, and then again Sunday evening is A LOT for the little dudes.  For two, it's less gas money.  DH has gone back to his normal work station, and it's 40+/- one way, so in addition to the drive, we're being slaughtered by fuel costs.  For three, it's less change in the routine. Whatever my mom has in place when we get there will be what we honor through the weekend.  We're hoping that by removing the travel and routine-upset, T-Rex will be better able to cope...  I just hate that I'm his Mommy, and therefore, the one who should fix it, but I'm the problem right now.  If it doesn't get better, I'm going to go against my better judgement and bring them home and if Kili comes early, she comes early.  How can I sacrifice one for the other?  After all, maybe she was trying to tell us then that she was ready... 

 

I miss those boys so very much...  I wish we were rich enough to afford a private nanny for them during the day so I could still be near them.  The house is so quiet and the sound of the fish tank used to soothe me, but now it just annoys the hell out of me because it's the only sound I hear...  I miss hearing them laugh, or even argue.  I miss telling them that they had to share, or take turns, or that, no, they would not be having a snack because they didn't finish their lunches.  I miss Mega's quick wit and ability to ask me a question that catches me off guard, even if it's about something simple like where the snail goes when the shell is empty.  I miss T-Rex's little arms suffocating me in my sleep, his crazy giggle and fearlessness.  It's just not natural to be apart...

 

*Day 60: Today, it was very hard for me to find something to be grateful for.  BUT!  I am trying to be more like my husband and see that every raincloud, no matter how leaden, has a silver lining.  SO!  I am grateful that, even though I can't be with them, my boys have somewhere safe to go during this time, and that I know they're safe and well cared for.  I am grateful that  my mom has been so willing to sacrifice her normal life to provide for them and make it easier for me to make it to 37 weeks and hopefully, give my boys a healthy sister. 

Longing

I want to meet my daughter...  But I want to meet her when she's ready and when she can come straight home with us.  I want my boys home...  But I want them home with a mother who is strong enough to care for them, while either still maintaining a safe and healthy pregnancy, or while also caring for a new sibling.  I miss them sooo much.  I've never been away from them for more than 48 hours.  Did I mention that yet?  The first time was when T-Rex was born, and as soon as we got the hemorrhaging under control and I was able to leave safely, I was ready to fly to Mega Man and bring him home with his new brother.  The second time was when I took a little break in a neighboring state with family and friends and DH brought the boys home.  As much fun as that was, even then, I thought about them the whole time...

Between Su Doku puzzles...

Bed rest sucks.  I have completed almost 2 dozen Su Doku puzzles, read over 100 pages of "The Jungle" (even though I don't really like it), have watched about 4 movies, and have played a few rounds of Super Mario Brothers 2 on the Wii...  The best part has been hanging out with my husband.  We're rarely apart, but rarely together.  He's watching the kids while I make dinner.  He's bathing the kids while I catch my breath, whatever.  It's been very pleasant to just be near each other again.  I am definitely okay with that part of this situation.

What sucks the most is just being away from my babies.  I've never been away for more than 48 hours and while the quiet is nice, and the slower pace is much appreciated at the moment, it feels very empty without them here.  I keep waiting for Mega Man to ask me to tell T-Rex not to wreck the train tracks he just assembled, or for T-Rex to come begging to be picked up and held...  Mornings seem to be the hardest - that's when they need me most and now there's no one.  It's weird being waited on for a change...  While that's even sorta' nice, it's just...  weird, too.  My mom is probably going nuts because I call at least twice a day, but it's just so odd not KNOWING what they're doing at every single moment.  Even when they're being little terrors, they're my little terrors and I know what they're terrorizing...  I'd give just about anything for a hug from them right now...  Next weekend seems like a long way away...  *sigh*

I'm really amazed at how eager people have been to help, too.  My mom took the boys and just made arrangements to make it work.  Friends, fellow doulas, and birth workers have all volunteered to provide meals, keep me company, and other services according to their professions and specialties.  It's truly humbling and I am very thankful to have such wonderful people in our lives. 

While I am miserable, it's more because I feel like a newly caged animal than anything else.  This is what needs to be done for the well-being of our daughter, and that's perfectly fine.  Just like the injections and drugs, I'd normally oppose them, but it's not about me and what I want - it's about her and what's best for her.  I'm down with all that, no question...  I just wish I could be on bedrest without actually having to sit still.  ;-)

*Day 57: I am grateful for my circle of support, without whom I would be losing my mind!

Puff the Magic Dragon

Scene: In the van, on the way home after getting gas and looking for a bedding set at a local store, rather than buying it on-line...

Me: "I think T-Rex is losing his little mind."

DH: "Between playing outside and not having a nap, that kid is punchy.  Do you hear him singing back there?"

Me: "Yeah, I know.  He's skipping around and mixing songs like a bad DJ."

T-Rex: "Puff the magic dragon lived by the bitch."

DH & Me: *snicker* "T-Rex that is not" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm telling you, the kid kept the right rhythm and everything.  I laughed so hard I cried, which of course, made it worse, and T-Rex kept singing it.  We finally got ourselves somewhat under control and told him that "bitch" was an unacceptable word and that it was not only the wrong word for the song completely, but that if he said it again, he would be getting hot sauce in his mouth.  So far, the threat is holding...  Damned if I didn't feel like a giant ass hat for laughing, but the timing and just the way it flew so flawlessly from his mouth just made me let loose.  And hey, DH laughed, too, dammit!  *sigh*  I'm snickering just thinking about it...  Good thing T-Rex has no idea why I am laughing right now.  :-)

*Day 53: I am grateful for the comic relief my children provide, even when they're the cause of my stress to begin with.  I love those freakin' kids!

No longer MIA!

Whew!  It's been a while!  I am not used to going 3-4 days without blogging.  I had this persistent, nagging feeling that I was forgetting something and then, someone said something along the lines of, "I know.  I try to keep up with your through your blog, but you've gone dark for a bit."  Well crap!  So here I am, updating away.  :-)

I had a very long birth at the end of the week.  I left on the afternoon of the 5th and didn't return until the afternoon of the 6th.  It was a great birth, just a long one.  The day I left for that birth, I also had my glucose test, a visit with my chiropractor (hallelujah!), and my mom took the boys so DH and I could catch up on some much-needed sleep.  The glucose test went well.  I actually got a better number than I ever have before!  The midwives think I am just hemodynamically challenged, and will continue to pass out at random until I am no longer pregnant, or until my body remembers how in the hell to properly circulate blood when I decide to do more than sit still.  The chiro visit was, as usual, pretty awesome and I am very glad that I am going today because standing on a tile floor for 18+ hours has really done a number on me and I am quite sore. 

The boys thoroughly enjoyed their time with their Mammy, and of course, slept like angels while they were with her.  *sigh*  Oh well.  I was able to sleep for about 12 hours Friday night, so that was definitely cool.

This week is busy, busy, busy.  I am washing all the newborn clothes today and getting them all put away so that 1.) I don't forget until the last minute, 2.) it's not overwhelming later on, and 3.) because I am nesting like mad, and because I am a Type A, it's about all that is left to do aside from install a car seat, but that's easy because we don't have one yet.  Whew!  I have the chiro visit today, and at some point this week, I need to get out and get a card for Cupid Day for DH.  We don't really make a big deal out of V-Day in our house, but some small gesture would be good.  I wanted to go to the Y for the first time today, too, but I don't think my hips would appreciate it until after they're put back into place.  I will save that for tomorrow...

Oy vay.  It's not even noon and I am worn out!  Good grief!

*Day 42: I am grateful for Unisom and cooperative babies who don't decide to initiate labor on the nights I seem to need sleep the most!

^%@%#^%$!!!!

     I had this great post, and then...  My computer decided to eat it.  I can't even retrieve it from TypePad because my computer decides to crash again with each attempt.  So, now you get the bulleted run-down.

• We found furniture for Kili's room.  $700.00 for all-wood, pink and white, headboard (which she won't be using for some time), bureau with mirror, dresser, and night stand.  Really nice set and way more economical and long-term oriented than any of the "baby furniture that grows with your baby!" we were looking at.
• We joined the YMCA at a discounted monthly rate.  Swim lessons for the boys this Summer, a possible day-camp for Mega, physical fitness for me after Kili's birth, and Family Yoga for all of us.  Woot!
• Mega is out of school for the rest of the year.  We're taking a new approach with T-Rex in an attempt to tame the beast he has become, and it appears as though he needs to be napping by 12-12:30, and we'd need to leave to pick up Mega Man around 12:40.  The morning class is full, so he's stuck.  I will try again to work with him at home during T-Rex's nap, but that's just that much less time I have for other things like cleaning and laundry... 
• Business continues to be so good that I am now turning clients away.  I had three people contact me between mid and late January - I took one and referred the other two out.  I have had 3 inquires this month, all of whom I referred out for conflicting due dates and just being downright ready for my "maternity leave."
• I got my hair done.  Fabulous friends, have I.
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• As promised, I am trying to be better about pictures.  Here's me at 27 weeks and 3 days.
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*Day 41: I am grateful for a marriage strong enough to withstand some not-so-great days without either party turning to alcohol or something else...  :-)