Mental Mommy

Waiting for G-d

When I was in high school, I read Waiting for Godot.  Back then, I understood it, but only on a very superficial level.  With all the recent "waiting but not waiting," it has struck me that waiting for a baby to be born is a lot like waiting for G-d.  I don't mean to be blasphemous or anything.  I mean, I'm not trying to insinuate that my child is G-d or G-dlike in any way.  It just seems... odd to me.  Most of my life I can recall waiting for G-d to intervene and save me somehow.  Looking back, I think G-d did step in, though not in the way I was waiting or hoping for.  Because it wasn't what I was expecting, I took it that G-d didn't show.  The more I waited and hoped, the less satisfied I was.  The more I wait and hope for this baby, the more irritated and anxious I become...  And then, as I sat, bouncing energetically on the ball, having a little "pep talk" with Kili, it struck me that babies, like G-d will come into our lives when they are good and ready and not a moment sooner...  And often, not at all in the ways we'd anticipated or hoped for...  But it doesn't make the entrance any less profound or meaningful if we able to recognize it for what it is...  Even if it takes a few years...

So darling daughter, while we will attempt to coerce you tomorrow, should you decide to wait a bit longer, I will do my best to patiently "not wait" and appreciate your debut however and whenever you choose to make it.  While I admit to beig very hopeful that tomorrow's actions bring about your birth, I will not give up if they don't.  I won't stop trying to make your path easier, but I will promise not to get so damned discouraged when what I perceive as encouragement does not yield the results I had hoped for.

*Day 70: I am grateful for the quiet time I am enjoying today thanks to DH.  Love you, babe!

Karmic Checkbook

          I used to be a person who don't let things go easily.  It took me a while, I won't lie.  Even then, when I finally let something go, it was usually for good.  I got to a point in my life a few years ago where it just dawned on me.  Why carry around things that bother you when nothing will change?  You're bearing a needless burden and no one is suffering but you.  After that little epiphany, it got a little easier to let things go, or to at least get past them without looking back at them every day, wondering if I did every thing I could or if I was right to walk away in the first place. 

          There are maybe...  2 or 3 things in my life that I haven't let go of yet.  Believe me, that's progress.  Of the things I've previously set free, there are 2 huge ones that I thought I would never release.  When I sat down and really looked at it, I still came to my original conclusion - Why bother?  I'm struggling to get through each day because of that?!  Let it go.  Take a deep breath, and let it go.

          When things bother me now, I'm pretty much over it in a day or two.  I have too many other things I could be doing with my time and energy to let someone or something upset and consume me for too long.  I have children who need a present mother, a husband who needs and deserves an attentive wife, and friends and family who have already put up with enough sh*t from me to walk on eggshells forever.  I let things go.  I feel no sense of entitlement or that I deserve certain things.  I still look at some people and wonder what they did to deserve their lives, but even then, I don't stay angry about it the way I used to.  We all get what's coming to us. 

          For better or worse, we all get what we deserve.  When I get sh*t handed to me, I still get upset, sure, but I also think, "I pissed someone off, didn't I?"  At this point in my life, I think my karmic check book is about balanced.  I've had a lot of sh*t handed to me in 24 years.  Some sh*t was more serious than others, but it all shaped me.  It all molded me in some way - better or worse.  I carried some sh*t further than other sh*t.  I didn't deal with some sh*t as well as others.  Sometimes I even blamed the sh*t that was handed to me for other sh*t that was going on.  *shrug*  One way or another, it got dealt with.  Sometimes I created more karmic debt because of the way I handled my sh*t, but other times, I felt like I worked off some debt, too.

            When I think about karma, I really do think about it like a checkbook.  I used to feel like I was constantly running in the red no matter what I did.  In retrospect, a lot of that was my attitude, but I think I was born with a huge debt, too.  I must not have been a very nice person in my past life, because I chose/was placed upon a very hard path to tread.  I am at a point now where I feel like my column has been made more than even, and I'm writing my balance in black.  I'm not saying I don't screw up or my life is all blessed and no bothers, but for the most part, I feel like I'm in a much better place.  I know who stands where - my side, no man's land, or the Other Side.  I know who I can call 24/7, and who I can only call when I'm happy.  I know who loves my family and who just tolerates us. 

          I know where I stand because I created this place; I brought myself here.  It's a pretty peaceful feeling to think you're no longer running in the red.  I used to feel like I was just waiting for the next Karmic b*tch slap, but now I just sort of sit back, thinking if the sh*t hits the fan, it's just another chance to increase my good karma. 

          Perspective...  I kept hearing it was all about perspective, but I think I finally get it.  You don't have to be a ray of sunshine all the damn time, but not thinking the entire world is against you certainly doesn't hurt.  Perspective, ya'll... 

Cradled

          Some of you know that I have been sick lately.  I don't mean I've had a lingering cold or a cough.  I mean I passed out in the middle of Wal-Mart this week and about hit the deck in the shower this morning.  Clearly, all is not well in Casa de Mental Mommy.  At first, I kept it to myself and put on my happy face, thinking it would go away or that I'd figure it out.  When it didn't, and I lost consciousness in front of my children, I figured it might be time to surrender...  And by surrender, I mean tell the people I feel safe with and then hope they'd offer to help without me asking for it, because we all know I suck in that department. 

          Man, oh man, have I been blessed.  Whatever I did in my past life to warrant the people around me, I thank The Force.  Yesterday, the boys spent the day with one of their buddies and I slept.  Yes, me, the vampire who can't stand the light of day, let alone sleep if there's even the smallest amount of light in the room, I slept.  I didn't answer E-mails, I didn't blog (it was on auto-post, ya'll), I didn't even play X-Box.  I slept and read about 20-25 pages of 'Peace.'  It was bliss.

          Today when I go in for the round-up appointment, another sweet someone is taking the boys again.  What would I do to entertain them in an office for 2 hours?  Rather than be strapped in the stroller, bored out of their minds, and probably distracting the crap out of all of us, they will play at another friend's house and not be worried about their mom.  Stellar.

          While I am still a bit scared by the whole, "kidneys shutting down, liver enzymes elevated, passing out, yadda yadda yadda," I know that at least I'm not swinging from my tree alone.  I'm cradled by hands I didn't even know were there.  It's not so much strain on your arms when you've got others there supporting you, too.  While I thought it would just make me feel weak and vulnerable, it kind of made me feel stronger - like I could focus more on what I needed to do to get better instead of using all my energy to hide it from everyone.  I do feel indebted, but I think that's how gratitude is supposed to work.  When someone does something for you that you couldn't do for youself, you're supposed to want to do the same for someone else.  I think that's how it keeps itself going. 

          Thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have listened, offered to help in any capacity, and for those of you who continue to put up with my shit.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I find your lack of faith disturbing...

I told DH what was on my mind and weighing so heavily on my heart...  As always, he completely shocked me with his response.

"Maybe your job just hasn't been made clear to you yet. Who knows maybe your job right now is to be the best most beautiful Mom and wife you can be.  This probably isn't true because you are pretty much already doing that. Nobody alive is useless. We're not created or born with out a purpose. If you haven't discovered what your task in life is yet you will. I know you hate when I bring God in to it but that's were I am headed. I'll leave it at that. I know my purpose in life and it's not what you might think it is. [...]  I know you have all these deadlines when you want to have achieved something important because................ You have achieved so much already and soon enough you will be doing something that will fulfill your life and make you feel complete until then babe I am here to support you and take care of you and the children. Until your purpose is revealed to you try to be happy with what we have and have accomplished together so early in our lives. Maybe you could study a new language or take a college course earn miniscule credits until you figure out what you're supposed to be doing with your life."

He's always gotta bring The Man into it, doesn't he?  Turd... 

Do you know what I did today?  Every thing I could to avoid the whole thing.  I bought a damn answering machine because no one seems to think to call my cell phone when they can't find me at home, and no one thinks to leave a voice mail on my cell phone when they actually do remember that I have one.  I bought some jammies for Mega because 3T pants now make him look like he's waiting for a flood.  I even went to 3 different stores looking for clear lawn and leaf bags to start bagging all the leaves that DH and I raked up.  I kept saying I would do it after they dried out and now that we've had a whopping 3 days without rain and are headed for more storms, I figured I had better do it, pain in the ribs or not.  I got 16 bags and not even half the leaves done, but it's a start.  That's 16 bags that aren't sitting on my non-existent grass any more.  I carried 8 bags to the curb myself, and the very-nice-and-friendly neighbor carried the other 8.  If I thought I could have kept going without coughing up blood or just making my rib cage collapse, I would have.  So anyway, then I read throug the entire instruction manual for the new answering machine.  I never read manuals.  Ever.  I vacuumed, which I never do when the kids are awake because I may as well just chase them with it to keep up with their messes.  I did laundry.  I dod 3 loads, and even folded and put away 2 of the 3 (the third is drying).  I took the boys to breakfast on a Sunday morning after 9 AMewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww - if that doesn't scream avoidance, I don't know what does...

          Whatever.  It is what it is.  I should have known better than to think that I could love doing something and be good at it without it conflicting with something else about me or something else in my life.

*tug*

          ***Warning: I am working out some serious shit in my head, so skip this post if you'd rather not read some random, crazy shit.  You've been warned.***

          That little pull that I felt while reading Tending Roses is trying to get its claws on me again as I read Fried Green Tomatoes.  I just got to the part where Ruth died and Evelyn went to a Baptist church, and me, the frigid ice-queen, stone-cold hearted mega biotch cried.  I didn't bawl or anything, but I cried.  Anyway, you'll be relieved to know that I am still not going over to the dark side of The Force.  I still deny like crazy and G-d and I are still not on speaking terms.  I won't be easily swayed, I tell you!  You can't coerce me with cancer-caused deaths of my favorite literary characters!  You can't tell me to give my burdens to G-d and that every thing will be all peace and rainbows and tiger lilies if I just waltz back to my church and ask G-d to take it all for me...  Sheesh...

         

And now a word from our sponsor...

          I prayed.

A Jew in Methodist Clothing

          DH and I were talking in the car about my post, and he said he thinks I am a Jew.  I have very little knowledge about Judaism, so once things quieted down for the night, I decided to investigate.

Skeeter's Baptism - Updated

          We have yet to baptize Skeeter.  With Mega, he was only a few months old and it was only that long after his birth because we were working around DH's schedule.  Skeeter is almost a year old and I haven't done it yet. 

         

Blasphemy?

          Do you think it is better to attend or not attend church if you're struggling with your faith?  I don't just mean that you're having a hard time, but if you really just can't (won't) believe?  I am torn right now because I just can't shake my image of God - that He is a mean child with a magnifying glass on an anthill.  When Gram died, I was angry with Him and just stopped talking to Him, and now I am just....  indifferent.  Is it blasphemous for me to go to church, knowing I feel that way?  I don't sit there, silently cursing God, but I feel like a fraud. 

          Is it better for me to go with an open heart and mind, or not go at all?  In all fairness, I will admit that I don't go 100% open to "the spirit."  I go to church feeling guarded and vulnerable - that I don't belong because I feel indifferent about the existence of God, and because if there is a God, He will probably strike me down and damn me to Hell for my sins.

        Should I stay (home) or should I go now?  If I go there will be trouble...  But if I stay (home), there could be double...  So, come on and let me know...  should I stay or should I go?

          (I use my twisted sense of humor because if I don't, things like this will really get to me, and I am torn up right now because a dear friend is moving away and I wish with all my heart that she would/could change her mind, or that I could show her what I see, yadda yadda yadda...  So this is my distraction.)

Because I got to have Faith-uh, Faith-uh, Faith-AH!

          Faith is a flight of stairs.  You can stand at the bottom and not believe, or you can be at the top and be completely assured in your faith.  I am not even through the door.