Mental Mommy

Blog Until You're Not Mad Any More!

I sat down to blog about my anger with a few people.  As usual, I wouldn't say who it was or anything, but sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it all down and organize it...  It's purging and then I can not be angry any more...  Which is always good, right? 

So why am I more irritated now than when I started?  Why am I finding more and more reasons to be mad?  In the long run, I suppose it is a small thing...  But then, it's not.  Still, it's not something I should just stay pissed about.  That takes too much energy, for one.  For another thing, it's not like being mad is going to change anything, besides making it worse.  Who needs that?  Not this chick, that's for damn sure...

I think I am still trying so hard to let go of my anger with other people and situations, and since I can't, I am finding new things to direct it toward, unfair though that may be.  I know most people find the ones they love are the easiest to take out negativity on, but that doesn't make it right, nor fair.  Still...

So here I am, stewing away...  I don't really want to let this one go, but for ya' know, see above...  I think I actually want to piss away the energy and stay angry.  How dumb is that?! 

In some weird way, I guess this stupid blog worked.  I am mad, but it's forced.  I'm only mad because I want to be, not because I'm genuinely pissed off...  LAY-MUH.

So what purpose does your blog serve? 

Gratitude

My 100 days of gratitude are almost complete.  Day 92 is very hard-hitting for me.  Today, I am grateful for my husband, his willingness to do whatever it takes, his endless love, and boundless affection.  He was up all night with a very sick T-Rex and though we were both beyond exhausted after 2 sleepless nights, he was always there, helping out and doing whatever needed to be done to keep the house from coming apart while we fought with a 104 degree fever, swelling, pain, and screaming.  I love that man more than I ever knew was even possible. 

Television and Treason

*Day 68: I am grateful for our one-way televisions...  You know, the kind that DO NOT trasnmit our conversations back to some tiny room where someone decides whether or not our conversations and actions are treasonous.

AND

I am grateful DH called and asked for the day off to help me out...  and he got it.  He rocks, and for once, I actually have something nice to think and say about his command.  *high five*  "Great success!"

Between Su Doku puzzles...

Bed rest sucks.  I have completed almost 2 dozen Su Doku puzzles, read over 100 pages of "The Jungle" (even though I don't really like it), have watched about 4 movies, and have played a few rounds of Super Mario Brothers 2 on the Wii...  The best part has been hanging out with my husband.  We're rarely apart, but rarely together.  He's watching the kids while I make dinner.  He's bathing the kids while I catch my breath, whatever.  It's been very pleasant to just be near each other again.  I am definitely okay with that part of this situation.

What sucks the most is just being away from my babies.  I've never been away for more than 48 hours and while the quiet is nice, and the slower pace is much appreciated at the moment, it feels very empty without them here.  I keep waiting for Mega Man to ask me to tell T-Rex not to wreck the train tracks he just assembled, or for T-Rex to come begging to be picked up and held...  Mornings seem to be the hardest - that's when they need me most and now there's no one.  It's weird being waited on for a change...  While that's even sorta' nice, it's just...  weird, too.  My mom is probably going nuts because I call at least twice a day, but it's just so odd not KNOWING what they're doing at every single moment.  Even when they're being little terrors, they're my little terrors and I know what they're terrorizing...  I'd give just about anything for a hug from them right now...  Next weekend seems like a long way away...  *sigh*

I'm really amazed at how eager people have been to help, too.  My mom took the boys and just made arrangements to make it work.  Friends, fellow doulas, and birth workers have all volunteered to provide meals, keep me company, and other services according to their professions and specialties.  It's truly humbling and I am very thankful to have such wonderful people in our lives. 

While I am miserable, it's more because I feel like a newly caged animal than anything else.  This is what needs to be done for the well-being of our daughter, and that's perfectly fine.  Just like the injections and drugs, I'd normally oppose them, but it's not about me and what I want - it's about her and what's best for her.  I'm down with all that, no question...  I just wish I could be on bedrest without actually having to sit still.  ;-)

*Day 57: I am grateful for my circle of support, without whom I would be losing my mind!

This is why I love my husband...

Overheard at dinner this evening...

Me: "That's why they don't have any more kids."

DH: "Why?"

Me: "Duh!  Because the scientific name for kids is coitus interruptus."

DH: "...For real?"

I swear to The Force, he really IS smart.  LMFAO

*Day 46: I am grateful for moments like that, where I can just burst out laughing and truly appreciate my husband for all he has to offer.  :-)  I love you, Koala Bear!

No longer MIA!

Whew!  It's been a while!  I am not used to going 3-4 days without blogging.  I had this persistent, nagging feeling that I was forgetting something and then, someone said something along the lines of, "I know.  I try to keep up with your through your blog, but you've gone dark for a bit."  Well crap!  So here I am, updating away.  :-)

I had a very long birth at the end of the week.  I left on the afternoon of the 5th and didn't return until the afternoon of the 6th.  It was a great birth, just a long one.  The day I left for that birth, I also had my glucose test, a visit with my chiropractor (hallelujah!), and my mom took the boys so DH and I could catch up on some much-needed sleep.  The glucose test went well.  I actually got a better number than I ever have before!  The midwives think I am just hemodynamically challenged, and will continue to pass out at random until I am no longer pregnant, or until my body remembers how in the hell to properly circulate blood when I decide to do more than sit still.  The chiro visit was, as usual, pretty awesome and I am very glad that I am going today because standing on a tile floor for 18+ hours has really done a number on me and I am quite sore. 

The boys thoroughly enjoyed their time with their Mammy, and of course, slept like angels while they were with her.  *sigh*  Oh well.  I was able to sleep for about 12 hours Friday night, so that was definitely cool.

This week is busy, busy, busy.  I am washing all the newborn clothes today and getting them all put away so that 1.) I don't forget until the last minute, 2.) it's not overwhelming later on, and 3.) because I am nesting like mad, and because I am a Type A, it's about all that is left to do aside from install a car seat, but that's easy because we don't have one yet.  Whew!  I have the chiro visit today, and at some point this week, I need to get out and get a card for Cupid Day for DH.  We don't really make a big deal out of V-Day in our house, but some small gesture would be good.  I wanted to go to the Y for the first time today, too, but I don't think my hips would appreciate it until after they're put back into place.  I will save that for tomorrow...

Oy vay.  It's not even noon and I am worn out!  Good grief!

*Day 42: I am grateful for Unisom and cooperative babies who don't decide to initiate labor on the nights I seem to need sleep the most!

^%@%#^%$!!!!

     I had this great post, and then...  My computer decided to eat it.  I can't even retrieve it from TypePad because my computer decides to crash again with each attempt.  So, now you get the bulleted run-down.

• We found furniture for Kili's room.  $700.00 for all-wood, pink and white, headboard (which she won't be using for some time), bureau with mirror, dresser, and night stand.  Really nice set and way more economical and long-term oriented than any of the "baby furniture that grows with your baby!" we were looking at.
• We joined the YMCA at a discounted monthly rate.  Swim lessons for the boys this Summer, a possible day-camp for Mega, physical fitness for me after Kili's birth, and Family Yoga for all of us.  Woot!
• Mega is out of school for the rest of the year.  We're taking a new approach with T-Rex in an attempt to tame the beast he has become, and it appears as though he needs to be napping by 12-12:30, and we'd need to leave to pick up Mega Man around 12:40.  The morning class is full, so he's stuck.  I will try again to work with him at home during T-Rex's nap, but that's just that much less time I have for other things like cleaning and laundry... 
• Business continues to be so good that I am now turning clients away.  I had three people contact me between mid and late January - I took one and referred the other two out.  I have had 3 inquires this month, all of whom I referred out for conflicting due dates and just being downright ready for my "maternity leave."
• I got my hair done.  Fabulous friends, have I.
•  
• As promised, I am trying to be better about pictures.  Here's me at 27 weeks and 3 days.
•  

*Day 41: I am grateful for a marriage strong enough to withstand some not-so-great days without either party turning to alcohol or something else...  :-)

Reflections...

Maybe it's the piece of me that wishes I could just be a 1950's housewife...  Maybe it's the piece of me that thinks I can't be something without someone else...  Whatever it is, I seem to have this "bizarre" idea that I am a reflection of my husband.  When we go to a friend's house, and that friend is primarily a friend of DH's through work or wherever, I want to make a good impression.  It's not because I want them to think, "Damn, that guy's wife rocks!"  It's because I want them to think, "Damn, that guy's whole family is pretty awesome!"  When things like a Super Bowl party come up and it's not really my thing, I still try.  Today, I made chili cheese dip and potato salad.  While those are things I like, they certainly wouldn't have been made without the Super Bowl party hosted by DH's friend.  It was hugely inconvenient, and I am not feeling 100% today.  There will be no other kids at the event, and this is not a kid-friendly house.  They are "attempting" to make gluten-free food for me, so I can either risk it and potentially wind up sick, or seem like I am being rude if I don't try anything...  I couldn't care less about football.  I will know only my husband and his friend and girlfriend, which always makes me feel weird.  Do I want to go?  No.  Will I put my best foot forward and put on a happy face?  Of course.  Why?  Because I don't want anyone to think anything negative about DH...  Does that make sense?  Am I crazy? 

*Day 39: I am grateful for up-coming maternity leave!!!

Blech

I was up for just over an hour last night...  Dry heaving.  I asked DH to get me a Zofran as soon as I woke up.  I felt like the room was spinning, my heart was racing, I was freezing cold, but covered in sweat, and I had that oh-so-lovely feeling that I was going to up-chuck Exorcist style at any minute.  I got the Zofran in (woo-hoo for orally disintigrating tablets!!!) and started dry heaving like mad.  DH is so rad.  I don't really remember, but I have a fuzzy recollection of him half carrying, half dragging me to the bathroom and helping me get situated in the event of spewage. 

I vaguely remember him calling the midwives for me, just to make sure there wasn't anything else we could/should be doing.  I've never had food poisoning while pregnant, so I wanted to make sure I'd covered my bases.  By this morning, I felt pretty horrible.  I'm not typically the type to feel better after vomiting, but this morning, after about 30 minutes hugging the porcelain throne, I did feel a tiny bit better.  I've had nothing but chicken broth and Jell-O all day, but I am ravenous now.  Part of me says, "Screw it!  Eat!  If you throw up, you throw up!" but the other part of me cheerfully chimes in that I am a convulsive vomiter and that I've given myself quite a nice goose egg on more than one ocassion from slamming my head into the toilet or into the wall behind me.  So throwing up not only hurts my stomach, throat, and mouth, but usually results in another injury, as well.  So, I'm going down a middle road and trying some Quinoa elbows with mild sauce...  Not spaghetti or anything, but something filling and not totally acid-laden in case I have to see it again.

Food poisoning blows!!!  And DH, well, he basically rocks and is hard core and I totally owe him, but at least I didn't throw up on him.  :-)

*Day 38: I am grateful my husband was willing to get up in the middle of the night to care for me.  He even got me a scrunchie so I wouldn't throw up in my hair. 

A quick note about DH...

"Sometimes he's the light of my life, and sometimes, he's the turd in my punch bowl."